Last week has been really rough. I was/still am struggling with some old issues, being in control and being independent. When I came to Thailand, I came to serve. I’m finding that I don’t have a servant attitude though and it’s making it a real challenge. I’m willing to help if
1)I want to do it or….
2) If it’s something I’m interested in or even if…
3) I feel that it is something that I can do
I think most people would say the same thing, they'll help if it meets one of the 3 things I listed.
It’s a real struggle in a non-confrontational culture where you are expected to do what’s best for the group and not yourself therefore I must stay quiet and happy. How does an independent introvert who very much loves to do her own thing fit into a culture that is built on relationships and sacrificing your needs for the betterment of the entire group? What do you do when you realize that you really are selfish and holding onto old self makes you feel empty and alone in a new culture? If I let go, who do I become? My boundaries, my barriers won’t be in place anymore. How do I protect my heart?
Those and many other similar questions where running through my head all of last week. I quickly reached my coping limit and withdrew. That sudden withdrawal may have hurt those around me, it wasn’t on purpose I just need time and space. Then I get frustrated with myself because I feel that isn’t showing love to those around me and I’m being selfish about what I want.
Sunday evening I was able to check out an international christian fellowship for the first time. It was great to be able to worship and hear the message in my own language. The message was very interesting, the speaker chose to preach on the passage in Matthew 14 where Jesus feeds 5,000. After everyone was full, Jesus told his disciples to pick-up the leftovers and they picked up 12 baskets of broken pieces.
Jesus had just preformed a miracle in feeding the masses, but there were broken pieces left over. The speaker also went on to say, that often we experience the miracle and think we are fixed, suddenly all our issues are gone but we don’t see them laying at our feet in broken pieces. Just as Jesus commanded his disciples to pick up the broken pieces, we need to stop and pick up the broken pieces and hand them over to Jesus.
As he went on, he also said that sometimes we become fixated on the broken pieces and then they become our identity. I know this is what I have done. He kept talking, and picture flashed in my brain for just a second as well as the meaning. A little girl was sitting on the floor, (me) so focused on putting the broken pieces back together that were scattered around her that she didn’t see her father kneeling before her asking with his eyes, ‘will you look up at me?’ He was kneeling patiently waiting for her to realize that she couldn’t put the pieces back together but that it didn’t matter, all he wanted was for her to look at him and hand him the pieces.
I have become so fixated on my broken pieces, the pain, hurt, betrayal of my past that it has become my identity. I’m broken and empty and don’t know how to fix my life so that I can love as God loves, so that I can serve with a willing heart.
How do I let go? Who do I become? Maybe I’m broken, but I have come to feel safe in that brokenness. Part of me wants to let go and embrace who God wants me to be, but part of me fears what that will look like. I am at war within myself, what do I do with the broken pieces. I know that I should surrender them, but what happens after that?
(The pictures I used are really cool, but I can't claim them as mine.)
